How to be in therapy when you have no clue

When we are born, we don't know how to live. We're not aware of ourselves, our separateness from our mothers. We don't ask questions, at least not consciously.

When we go to preschool, we feel anticipation, curiosity, and sometimes anxiety. School teaches us how to take directions from others. We are being guided. Perhaps this is why the first thing we say to our therapist is: I don't know how to do therapy. 

I often answer with a simple: it's your space, it's your playground, do what you feel. Sometimes it doesn't land too well. My clients feel unsure and apprehensive.

Being in therapy is a bit like experiencing life — there's no one recipe but this time there are no parents or teachers to tell you what to do. There's you and your therapist, who will be with you, whatever you decide, discovering and rediscovering the paths to self and connection. It is really up to you.

Here are some points you may find helpful as you explore this space:

Look for a connection with your therapist.

When I say connection, I don't mean look if you like them. Therapy isn't there for you to like your therapist. It might help at first, but over time it won’t always feel that way, thats normal. But check if you feel like you can trust this person sitting in front of you. If you think you can, proceed.

It's okay to change your therapist.

It really is. It's not a waste of time and money when you do. Each interaction enriches you.

People often say their therapy was a waste of time and money. But therapy isn't a transaction. It's a relationship. If you see a relationship as a waste of time and effort, it tells you that something there isn't finished. It tells you that some work still needs to be done.

Ask yourself these questions:

• What do I like to get from this relationship? What do I want to bring to this relationship?

• If a relationship ended, what makes me think it was a waste? What didn't I get and what did I get instead? What may I have avoided?

• What feelings come up when I think it was a waste? Do those feelings point to sadness, anger, or unmet needs?

• What did this experience teach me about what I want or don't want in future relationships? Were those hopes clearly expressed, or were they unspoken?

• What insights or patterns did I begin to notice about myself?

  
  

And look at the relationship itself:

• What did I notice about how we interacted? Were there moments I felt truly seen or heard? Were there times I held back or performed?

• Did I notice patterns in how my therapist responded to me, and how did those responses land? What did I learn about myself through their eyes or reflections?

• Did I ever tell them directly what I needed, or did I expect them to know?

If you never voiced your needs or frustrations during therapy, then calling it a waste afterward might really be about avoiding that very conversation - the one about what wasn't working while it was still happening.

So if not knowing how to be in therapy stops you, don't let it. Treat each time you think about it like an invitation from yourself to finally meet yourself again.

If you are curious or would like to start therapy:

get in touch.